


(Un)Necessary Equipment

by Not_You



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Body Image, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Gender Identity, Non-Human Genitalia, Other, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Robot Feels, Robot/Human Relationships, The Talk, Tony Stark Has A Heart, or lack thereof, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 15:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4227114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_You/pseuds/Not_You
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony thought not having children would mean never having to have The Talk.  He was wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Un)Necessary Equipment

“Tony,” Vision says one day, coming into the lab like an apprehensive child, “I have a question.”

Tony swivels his chair to face Vision, who's floating about a quarter of an inch off the ground, as he tends to. “Time for one of those father-son talks? I think I'm too sober for this.”

“You shouldn't drink quite so much alcohol, Tony,” Vision says, but doesn't stop Tony from pouring a scotch on the rocks, and pulls up another chair to sit in it like a human. Tony kind of misses being Mr. Stark, but the kid has changed and so has he and so has the world and even if it doesn't always feel all right, it's the way they live now. He's trying to like, deal with his feelings and shit after his PTSD nearly got everyone killed. It did get Pietro killed, and Tony tries to concentrate on being grateful that Wanda doesn't personally loathe him anymore. Letting her in on how fucking naïve he had been before Afghanistan had been a help, he's pretty sure. If he had really understood about the amount of innocent children menaced by his weapons, he would've gotten out of the game decades ago.

Of course it's Wanda Vision wants to talk about, and Tony is glad that he insisted on the drink. “I..” Vision pauses, looking very human as he searches for the right words, “I have everything you people have ever written about your sexuality, and yet I am at a loss.”

“You don't have everything, a lot of the really good shit got burned by assholes way before anyone could digitize it.”

“Perhaps actively suppressed material would be more helpful to me.”

“Well, what's up?” Tony has of course noticed the kids holding hands and it's kind of cute, but he's not sure how much he really wants to know.

“I find myself worrying about Wanda's expectations about a more physical phase of our relationship.”

“So you don't want to do her? She's pretty cute, but I could see you not being into that.”

“Oh no, I am definitely experiencing sexual attraction. Profound attraction, something that could almost be described as fascination in the classical sense.”

“So if you're sure of that and she's not asexual either-- is she? I can see how that would be a real bummer for you.”

“Oh, no. I am not worried about physical intimacy in our relationship as such, but about expectations Wanda may have as to the form it should take. I don't have a penis, and I'm not sure I want one.”

Tony raises an eyebrow. “Didn't know it was going _that_ well. You follow the Campsite Rule, now.” It makes Tony kind of proud to be able to make an android with the patience of a saint roll his eyes.

“Tony. I have the best intentions, and despite the proverb about the road to hell, that's all I can do at this stage.”

“Fair enough. But yeah, have you tried actually talking to her about this?”

“I haven't been sure how to bring it up.”

“True, you don't want to be too clinical or to have her all worked up and then be like, 'hey babe, I don't have a wiener.'”

“Your way with words never ceases to amaze me,” Vision says in a way that's all JARVIS.

“I know, right?' Tony says, taking a swig of his drink. “I'm a fuckin' _poet_. So how much do you not want one? Like, should Helen and I start trying to build you some tits and a vulva and tune your voice up?”

“Oh no, I feel very comfortable with my male presentation, thank you. After all, you wrote me, and I had a masculine voice and presentation long before I had a body. But having a set body is already so strange to me that I'd rather not have a protrusion like that. And testicles? Please.”

“I've had a lot of fun with my set, but yeah, people compare cunts to flowers and cocks to dirty sweat socks with rocks in them, and there's a reason for that.” He takes a slow sip, thinking about it. “You know there's a song that may answer your predicament. Hey, Dummy!”

It's all well and good to have Vision walking around and being all person-y, but Tony had written himself a ghost in the machine for a reason, and DUM-E has stepped up to take JARVIS's place. Of course, he's still a fucking idiot, and proves it by lighting up every screen in the shop with a big pink :D face.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm happy to see you, too. Now try to find 'Detachable Penis' by King Missile without fucking it up, okay?”

The screens flash OK in pink on black background and then a heart before going dark again except for the one Tony is working on, which resumes its previous display as the opening notes of the song fill the room. Vision sits and listens to the entire thing, even though he must know all the lyrics along with every other piece of recorded human knowledge.

“I feel like enough of a man,” he says when it ends, “I don't urinate, and honestly, I find the idea of being penetrated more attractive than the reverse. I have an orifice already, though, so that's no problem.”

“People who don't have to breathe have a natural advantage in giving head, it's true. And Ron Jeremy's right, girls tend to prefer a guy who gives good head and can move well. Really, you should tell her what you just told me, man. That you feel like a dude inside but that you really don't feel like getting a dong installed. She's already okay with you being not human and technically about a year old. This is nothing.”

Vision smiles. “I guess not. Thank you, Tony,” he says, and stands up, putting the chair back where he found it. “And thank you, Dummy, you're doing very well.”

“Now you've done it,” Tony grumbles, as 3-D hearts project everywhere, filling the room with stupid happy pink as firework sounds play. Vision just smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> A ballad for the ages:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYwiwbgMusY


End file.
